June 5, 2015
-
Looking at the Rescue
I had an interesting conversation about consequences at lunch yesterday. It was centered on a child of a coworker. Seems my coworker was given a talking to by her mother concerning her parenting style. I'll call the parent Faith and for simplicity her child will be referred to as Hope. Faith is more protective of her children than a mother hen. She hovers over them and steers them away from trouble. If she sees a problem she works to remove it before it touches her children. Case in point: Hope had annoyed another child at the park. Being a smart girl and a bit stubborn, she still is only 6 years old, she doesn't always make good decisions. In this case Hope had disrupted a game and more or less took their ball. She was two feet from being pounded to a pulp by a girl that matched her in height and strength. Faith swooped in positioning herself between the 2 girls. She was able to mediate and head off the confrontation. She has to do this regularly for little Hope. Her mother was concerned that Faith's parenting style of "rescuing" Hope would make it difficult to for her to learn that there are consequences. We discussed the conundrum of keeping our children safe and/or letting them learn "the hard way". I have done both with my sons. Now I see that the work environment has parallels. Being in the habit of rescuing people, preemptively avoiding trouble, and softening the consequences may not be in the best interests of others. I need to bite my lip and let individuals fail. I am balancing mentoring, mothering, and teaching. When it gets right down to it, there are persons that HAVE to touch the stove before they learn that it is hot. No amount of lecturing, no leading by example, no warning will ever convince them like personal first hand experience.
For the Stressed-out Scavenger Hunt using the prompt - Peace, I give you this little poem.
The soft breathing
From an exhausted child
Feet elevated in the glow
Of a favorite TV show
The refrigerator hum
Retrieving the last piece of pie
It is peace settled
A warm comfort
Against the changing
Chaotic world
Comments (12)
Interesting thoughts. There is a fine line between the two. I also think of children who may falsely accuse other children when adults aren't around, or even say and do things we don't want our children saying or doing. I think I complicated it a little.
Yes children will do that but this is a case where the parent is so hyper vigilant that all difficulties are smoothed away. Her children don't understand the consequences of their actions. That is a dangerous position to be in as they grow older...
As a teacher I saw lots of parental indiscretions when it came children . The worst were the moms, and sometimes dads, that were sure that their kid was always right or doing what was necessary. Hopefully most parents, teachers, business leaders, etc think before they step in. My favorite statement when faced with an incident with my boys, my students, or my grandchildren is, "Walk away and think before you do anything."
Good advice. She is aware that her children are not perfect and that they make mistakes. She however is a fixer - and although they may be reprimanded by their mother, she makes sure that they never faced with the unpleasantness of a childhood spat. She believes in apologies and promises to behave.
I believe that nowadays the children are mothered even after 20 years old . Lack of jobs, long studies give the habit to be fed and to receive without counterpart. many young people overcome this and succeed their life but for others they become feeble adults and preys of all kind of influences However I wonder if I am authorized to say that and with our six childre, we did what we could .
Love
michel
I believe that nowadays the children are mothered even after 20 years old . Lack of jobs, long studies give the habit to be fed and to receive without counterpart. many young people overcome this and succeed their life but for others they become feeble adults and preys of all kind of influences However I wonder if I am authorized to say that and with our sic children we did what we could , for the best.
Love <3
Michel
It is always gratifying to see the children grown to responsible adulthood. We all just do the best we can with what we have and know in the moment. Children are slower to leave the nest now days. I think partly it is the economy but perhaps there is a sense of entitlement among the younger generations...
I wouldn't be able to stand by and watch my child get into a fight, but I would certainly visit some consequences on her! When she was young, I would make her apologize to the other children and ground her for the kind of behavior your described. The apology was always the worst punishment for her because...
A. ...she usually wasn't sorry and she didn't like to lie.
B. ...she hated to admit when she was wrong.
C. ...she was a very good child most of the time and only resorted to such behavior when pushed beyond her limit by obnoxious neighborhood children, and even then she warned them before fighting back. It galled her to have to humble herself to the neighborhood bully after knocking him off his bicycle, even though she'd warned him to stop picking on her or she would knock him off his bicycle.
hehe! I can see her doing it too! hehe! Perhaps she hated the apology but I guarantee that bully remembered the being knocked off far longer than the apology!
Being a helicopter, with regard to several people, including my son, has had its ups and downs. I have saved some people from injustice, several times, and on other occasions have lost the friend I tried to save, and been called out by those who were actually in the right, when my friend was wrong. It goes to show, none of us are omniscient.
It is hard to stand back when people we love are in conflict. Sometimes it is best to let them fight their own battles!
My first reaction is similar to saintvi's. I do not believe in physical violence as consequences under any circumstances. Studies have shown that only teaches a child that violence is acceptable behavior, then when someone takes their ball they will respond with violence. However, if my four year old daughter had a habit of taking things that didnt belong to her I already know how I would stop it: soon as she takes the toy, I take it from her, make her apologize, and we immediately leave the park and go home. She does not get to play if she cannot play equitably. I'd like to think that my daughter's generally good behavior is a natural conclusion to that attitude.
As she is already 6 and still doesn't understand that there are consequences to all actions - both good and bad. She is very smart and is reading well above her age, advanced in math and can already write in cursive - yet it was suggested that she repeat Kindergarten to allow her to learn better social behaviors. There is a line between violence and reality of our world that we all need to find.
Comments are closed.